Into Roberta

There are always a few like me, with a tenuous grasp on the unique aspects of each of Kanadoodle’s provinces. Those wondering why my blog has been inactive for a few days need look no further than the fact that I have been visiting Roberta, the province that shares a long border with Blunder Country. After the news broke that Roberta is now Kanadoodle’s leading province when it comes to venereal disease, it was difficult not to imagine a stampede of tourists headed for this Shangri-la-la of nookie. Of course I couldn’t miss out on this rush, even though most of this influx would head to the city that heads the list, Ed&Chuck, the capital of Roberta. Bucking the trend, yours truly headed off for the runner-up city of Calorie.

You may think that I made my choice based on the possibility that I might also squeeze in a few moments watching the famous Calorie Stampede. Well, it isn’t that the thought of those amazing chuck-up races didn’t have their appeal. Who could deny the attraction of watching sturdy male competitors, roped together and dragging large wheeled barrels around a track. Fans eagerly await the moment when over exertion causes a team to heave their collective breakfasts into their barrel. The first team to do so wins and claims the prize! But no, I waited for these festivities to come to an end before embarking into a small tin sardine equipped with jet engines. It was a good thing, as I later heard that the race was something of a disaster this year. Six of the grizzled ol’ boys broke their toes when a barrel came loose and ran over their feet and, as a result, they all had to be put down. There are some fainthearted souls who object to having the poor critters destroyed, but let’s face it, a guy with a broken toe is not much use in future races and they’d likely just pine away in any case.

Notwithstanding the lure of the Stampede, there are many other attractions in Calorie. First of these is the climate, which can give even the most fastidious supporter of changeability ample reward. Tired of a hot spell in the sweltering summer? Calorie can muster up a thunderstorm, hail or even snow at a moment’s notice at any time in the year. The hardy folk who have lived for some time in Calorie carry a complete wardrobe around with them whenever they go outside, so that they can change costumes every few minutes in order to keep up with the constant changes in the weather.

The streets of Calorie are a marvel of the automobile age. Put your vehicle on one of their main through-fares and settle back and enjoy the sight of an endless line of traffic lights that can be seen down the single straight line of asphalt as it disappears far off into the horizon. The surrounding highways are built on the same principles, the most notable feature is the addition of a single small bend in the road every hundred miles or so in order to allow the drivers a different view of the millions of acres of yellow rapeseed crops passing by as they motor in the countryside or, if they’re driving in the city, they might catch a quick glimpse of a jumping lemur escaping from Calorie’s fabulous zoo.

The Calorie Tower is also justly famous. Now dwarfed by larger buildings, in its heyday the Tower was considered by everyone to be one of the great erections on the prairie. And the engineering fore-thought that went into the Tower! Several elevators were built into the main shaft so that no one would have to wait more than several hours for rescue if one broke down.

Equally wonderful is the proximity of Calorie to Dumbfeller, home to the greatest fossil collection in the world. During high season thousands of visitors flock to see the exhibits in this museum every day. Wandering through the chambers, patrons are always enthralled as they feast their eyes on the petrified bones of former Roberta politicians and other such dinosaurs. I personally think that this sanctuary of bones will one day be held in the same high regard that is now accorded to the Egyptian pyramids.

So, for those in Blunder Country who think Roberta is nothing but the source of unwelcome pipe dreams, it may be time to visit this remarkable province and put these prejudices to rest.

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