Talk about the biggest election fraud in ‘Murican history! They stole this election! It was rigged! Yes, I’m talking about the recent inductees into the ‘Toy Hall of Fame’. Nominees included the board game ‘Risk’ and the figure ‘My Little Pony’. Winners were ‘Lightbright’ and ‘Sidewalk Chalk’. WHAT! NO LITTLE PONY? I MEAN REALLY! MY LITTLE PONY – WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE???
Pony was the OBVIOUS WINNER – ask anyone! Were there mail-in ballots? I MEAN, IT MUST BE MAIL-IN BALLOTS! When they start pouring in, if they’re not for LITTLE PONY, they can’t be allowed to count! Only votes for ‘Pony’ are VALID. WHO allowed this? It’s a plot – it’s a deep-state conspiracy – it’s plain undemocratic. Only a few Little Pony supporters WERE ALLOWED TO STAND OVER THOSE COUNTING BALLOTS and there should have been THOUSANDS MORE to make menacing faces and ensure the counting was accurate. I will be taking court action to sue those who didn’t vote for Little Pony. I demand a recount – a new election. I’ll barricade myself at home until this decision is reversed. I’ll hold my breath until I turn blue! I’ll pound my fists and feet on the floor until this gets fixed. Little Pony supporters need to take to the streets!
Oh yes, there was that other election as well. You know the one – there was a bit of news about it squeezed in between the race for candidates to the ‘Toy Hall of Fame’. If you don’t recall, it was between the Grand High Imperial Twitterbug (GHIT), Ronald Rump of the Publican Party, the GREATEST comedian ‘Murica has ever produced and that other guy from the Demo-rugrats, Joeb Bidinghistime.
I thought the election was a shoo-in for the GHIT but it appears that not everyone shares my belief that the best comedian should run ‘Murica. Not that the GHIT didn’t do pretty well – more people love him in this election than in the last election but, as impossible as it seems, it just wasn’t quite enough. But the GHIT isn’t just sitting in the Whitey House shedding tears about fickle audiences. No sir! He’s dreaming up a few last jokes and skits for his supporters before they drag him out of the oblong office clawing at the carpet.
In the meantime, perhaps it’s best to just reflect on Rump’s accomplishments. It’s not that the GHIT isn’t without faults. He broke one of the cardinal rules of politics in his first term and kept his campaign promise to ‘Make ‘Murica Grate’. There’s nobody around the world willing to deny that ‘Murica grates like never before under the GHIT – except maybe his close friends, those sloppy warm and friendly types like Vlad (the Impaler) Pootine of Russki, and Kill Ill Jong of Koreepy.
From humble beginnings as your average blowhard white racist, misogynist, bully billionaire, Rump vaulted into stardom by wrestling the ‘Prezdom from the Demo-rugrats with the greatest set of comedy routines ever witnessed on the political stage. He was immediately bestowed the title Grand High Imperial Twitterbug for his total devotion to the first tenant of the ‘politicians’ creed’ (never tell the truth/always lie), which he continues to promote ceaselessly on social media.
Now that he’s lost the election to Joeb Bidinghistime, there are those who are worried that he’ll lose his comedic edge and return to being just another blowhard white, racist, misogynist bully billionaire. Not so! He’s been so deft with his personal businesses that he’s carved himself a path towards becoming a millionaire or even a thousandaire instead. Although his electoral loss mean that parts of his title disappear (he loses High, no more Grand, no more Imperial and no more ‘terbug) he still retains the designation of TWIT and continues to be addressed as Mr. Prez for the rest of his life. Thank goodness for small mercies.
Now I know the election results are a disappointment to the seventy plus million ‘Muricans who mourn the loss of their greatest source of entertainment. I say, BUCK UP, HEARTIES! At least this election may still turn out to be a huge win for the GHIT’s Publican Party. Publicans might still keep their majority in the Sedated (the upper chamber of government) where there remains a whole flock of Publican Sedatedors, trained in the ways of the GHIT and ready for a fight. Between that and the GHIT’s bequest in securing a strangle hold on the SuperPreen Court for the Publican cause, it will be a mighty cold day before those Demo-rugrats will be able to slip anything over on the GHIT’s loyal fan base.
Some people blame the Confounded Ornery Vexatious Internal Disease (COVID) for his loss, but how could that be when the GHIT showed us that COVID was something to sneeze at by getting it himself? Some think voters had overdosed on the GHIT’s belly-laughs – what a joke! I think it could be due to a CONSPIRACY by the ultra secret Qbong. It would only take help from a few backstabbers in the Publican Party, those who believe that comedy and politics don’t mix, or those who think the GHIT was just too funny, making everyone else look bad, to sway such a close election.
Conspirators are a crafty bunch – they know you can’t replace a GHIT while he’s winning and especially when he’s beloved by millions of voters. For these cynics, the best result was to vote against the GHIT so he’d lose while Publicans held on to the Sedated and maybe even made inroads on regaining the Conjugal (the lower chamber of government – sometimes referred to as ‘The Housefrau’). The election result has this group smirking. Even though the GHIT got squeaked out of office, the voters didn’t give the Demo-rugrats the keys to the Sedated.
If the Demo-rugrats are going to win against the Pulicans and their allies, the dreadfully secret Qbongs, in the next comedy showdown, they may have to have a hard look at their next election platform. Are their jokes lackluster – just more of the same old/same old? What skits do they need to do to really get ordinary folks laughing in the isles like they did for the GHIT?
The Publican seem to have a strangle hold on all the economic jokes, especially their fundamental belief in ‘trickle down’ economics. For those unfamiliar with the ‘trickle down’ economics, it’s where the government taxes the the poor and uses the money to support the filthy rich. It hasn’t happened yet, but the belief is that when the filthy rich finally own at least 98% of everything, they will open their proverbial zippers and distribute largess back to the poor in the form of a yellow stream that rains down on their heads. The theory also supports the race to find some lucky billionaire that can become the world’s first trillionaire.
The Publicans have been milking the ‘trickle down’ theory for years while the Demo-rugrats seem stymied at finding a better joke to sell to the voters. It’s why the Sedate will likely remain in Publican hands. In politics, if you can’t find new material that’s really funny, you’re in trouble.
It’s also possible that the Qbong’s conspiracy could backfire on them. I ask you, can you really diddle the GHIT and get away with it? NO SIR! As soon as he turns back to orange from holding his breath until he’s blue, he’s planning to file his candidacy for election 2024 soon. Now ain’t that a laugh for Qbong, the Publicans and the Demo-rugrats?
Election 2024 – can it come too soon?