With all the excitement of an impending election in ‘Murica, and all the attendant mirth that only the Grand High Imperial Twitterbug (GHIT) Ronald Rump can generate, it’s all too easy to forget about the local wonders of politics in Kanadoodle. The fearless Dustbin Truthless, Prime Ribber of the land, has once again taken a spectacular swan dive into a large bucket of doo-doo. We all admire the fierce allegiance Truthless has to the politician’s creed: never tell the truth when you can lie, when contradicted by facts obfuscate and, when confronted blame someone else.
It’s sometimes hard to know if the GHIT in ‘Murica or Truthless in Kanadoodle has the edge in working with the creed. Most would concede that the GHIT is without peer in lying and blaming others while Truthless has a better vocabulary with which to obfuscate. However, Truthless has managed to add a new touch to the creed and raised the bar for every politician. This new tenant to the creed is known as the insincere apology. No one has ever looked so heartfelt as Truthless during an apology. Even Bismark, the great German Chancellor, who famously advised to ‘never apologize – never explain’, would applaud Truthless’s performances. No one does a better job of admitting to mistakes while continuing in the same behaviors that created the need for an apology in the first place. Of course this is a tenant that is beyond the capabilities of the GHIT, who fervently believes that he never does anything for which he need apologize.
In his first term as Prime Ribber, we all admired how nimbly Truthless avoided the consequences of the S.N. Lavatory scandal and how he managed to diddle an Attorney General at the same time – examples of deft footwork while utilizing the dictates of the creed. Given these triumphs in his first term, it was surprising that Dustbin only managed to garner a minority government in his second term of office. The rule by minority government may produce the best results for the voters but, for most politicians, it’s too far away from wearing the majority crown and having your lackeys whisper: “Remember, thou art but human” in your ear as you are driven in the state dogsled from home to the Iglooarliament (the largest igloo in the world and home to Kanadoodle’s government – much like the Capitol Building in ‘Murica but without a thermostat)
Despite this temporary minority aberration, Dustbin has still managed to heat things up in the Iglooarliament to the point where some of the blocks show signs of melting. Blame it on the effects of COVID. The pandemic has been difficult for everyone, but Dusbin’s Libelous Party decided to focus on one particularly hard hit group – young hamsters. It was clear something had to be done for youth, but not so clear how to channel a massive amount of government money in a way that would help Dustbin’s supporters and still make it look like the young hamsters would get relief.
Thank goodness for the Wee-wee Foundation whose long history in charitable works for the young has been matched by their exemplary and continuous generosity to members of Dustbin’s own Libelous Party. Wee-wee, with their long history of channeling copious yellow streams onto the heads of disadvantaged youth was a perfect choice – pure gold! It only required the approval from a committee carefully selected so that it would be comprised of members who’d had expensive holidays paid for by Wee-wee, or members who had large numbers of relatives enjoying long term benefits from Wee-wee’s golden stream. Truthless was on the committee insisting that we all need to take a Wee-wee, sooner or later.
Imagine our surprise when the opposition parties in the Iglooarliament took umbrage and began asking questioning Dustbin’s motives in supporting the Wee-wee’s golden flow. Dustbin immediately invoked the creed. The lies and obfuscation came quick and fast. Then he slipped in an apology and nodded approvingly as the Minister of Financial Fiddling threw himself under a falling ice cube for the sake of his party. Imagine his dismay when even these powerful tools in the creed’s crisis box didn’t dampen cries for Dustbin’s head on a fudgesicle stick.
Luckily, Kanadoodle’s Prime Ribbers inherited a wonderful ‘last resort tool’ in addition to the normal three tenants of the creed. It came from the British Parliament and is called ‘Pierogi Iglooarliament’. It’s a dire tool and it’s rare for a Prime Ribber to dive so deeply into doo-doo that he/she can justify its use.
In essence, the Prime Ribber serves a pierogi to every member of the Iglooarliament. Inside the tasty dumpling dough is a concoction guaranteed to give everyone a severe stomach disorder and send them home for as long as it takes for every voter’s memory to fade (roughly five minutes). When no one remembers what the scandal was about, the Prime Ribber recalls the Iglooarliament and carries on with business as usual.
Rest assured that the recipe for the pierogi is kept a state secret, handed down from Prime Ribber to Prime Ribber since 1867, the birth year of Kanadoodle. No one would like this secret weapon to fall into the wrong hands.
Let’s face it – it’s not too often those in Kanadoodle can lord it over our friends to the south in ‘Murica. We have something that the GHIT would love to get his hands on. Imagine the joy he could have if only he could Pierogi Congress right about now.