Trouble at home?  Is your neighborhood in decline?  Do not despair!  You need only start applying the lessons given from on high by the CHOSEN ONE of ‘Murica, the Grand High Imperial Twitterbug (GHIT), PREZ for life and World’s Greatest Comedian – the one, the ONLY, *Ronald Rump*.

Let’s start by affirming that a home or neighborhood can only be achieved when a GRATE MAN emerges to run things, a man who KNOWS EVERYTHING and is clearly the BOSS.  It CANNOT BE A WOMAN and it must be a MAN who can treat their neighbors with the contempt that idiots deserve.  Everyone else in the home/neighborhood shall regard this MAN as GOD ON EARTH – FAWNING over the man’s every utterance as if it were HOLY WRIT, no matter how silly or contradictory these pronouncements may be.  It’s also essential that you NEVER let the TRUTH get in the way of getting what you want.

When you are geared up for the role of GRATE MAN, just look at how the RUMP is ‘Making ‘Murica Grate Again’, apply his methods, and you too will soon have your home and neighborhood back to being GRATE.

READY?

OKAY!  Then get out there and paint your house WHITE – it’s always been the SUPREME color.  The colored maid and gardener will clash with your new color scheme, so fire them BEFORE THEY EAT YOUR PETS.  Build a twenty foot fence around the house – it’s a must.  In fact, tell your neighbor on the north side of your property that he’s a drug dealer but you’re willing to extend your fence around his yard – if he’ll give you his house in return.   

Don’t pay your property taxes – that’s for suckers.  Set up a gift shop on your lawn to sell red baseball caps, gyptocurrency, bibles with your image inside and other worthless merchandise at vastly inflated prices.  Charge a million dollars to anyone who’d like the privilege of basking in your presence over dinner at your home. 

If anyone comes to your door, accuse them of being murdering rapists or members of a Venezuelan gang – throw things at them and call the police to have them arrested – you can make an exception for anyone who’s white and from South Africa.  Go out and set fire to the local public school and, when the neighborhood children have nothing to do, hire them to sweep the walk or shovel snow off your driveway.  When they finish the work, fire them all and refuse to pay.  

Tell your FRIENDS on the street that they’ve been RIPPING YOU OFF for years.  Let them know that you’ll only return the tools you borrowed when they’ve PAID YOU a fifty percent tariff.  Take every opportunity to trash talk about anyone on the block who doesn’t ADORE YOU.  SPEAK nothing but GOOD about any murderous psychopaths that live in the neighborhood.   Launch LAWSUITS against anyone who speaks out against your plans, no matter how legally flimsy the suit – they’ll likely pay you off rather than get stuck in court for years.  If there are any enemies now left on the street, invite them to a barbecue and serve them poisoned wieners.

IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Let’s face it, if the GHIT can make ‘Murica GRATE again with his ideas, it ought to work miracles in YOUR home and neighborhood.  

TL:DR – Throw a block party for everyone wearing red baseball caps.

2024 – STOLEN WITH LIES