HeLong Muskrat, reputedly the world’s richest furry mammal, has recently bought the billion dollar swamp gas giant Twit. A champion of free croaks, Muskrat was enraged when Twit began to put constraints on the smells that people could let loose on the gassy platform – like when Ronald Rump (former Prez of ‘Murica and Grand High Imperial Twitterbug) got thrown out just because he used Twit to invite his biker friends to a garden party at Capitol Hill.
Muskrat believes that censoring and banning swamp gas could lead to situation where folks might miss future invitations to Rump’s garden parties – and surely nobody wants that to happen. Now, don’t worry if that means Twit will get bloated with the outpourings from liars, swindlers, nutters inciting murder and mayhem, distributers of political disinformation, wacko conspiracy theorists, racists and hate mongers – Muskrat has a different solution. Yes indeed! Those who don’t like those kinds of smells coming from the Twit swamp can step right up and buy a ticket on one of Muskrat’s new rockets – he’ll drop you off on Mars and you won’t have to worry about the smells from Twit anymore.
Yup, it’s a grand two worlds envisioned by the Muskrat, and he takes his new position on Twit very seriously. He began by flinging a third of Twit’s toiling minions out of his swamp – an early Christmas gift to his workers. Muskrat followed this up by demanding the remaining lowlifes sign a pledge to stop eating and sleeping in order to devote more time to stirring up gasses at the bottom of the swamp. And who says fun corporations died out with with the nineteenth century robber barons?
In Muskrat’s view, there are a lot of little people in the world and they need to SHAPE UP – work a lot harder for a whole lot less. It’s no wonder he’s against unions and has started supporting the ‘Publican party in ‘Murica. How could a billionaire not love a political party that not only believes in tax cuts for the filthy rich but subscribes to the trickle down theory of economics? It’s the theory that lets legislators dress up like Robin Hood while they pass laws to steal from the poor and give it to the rich. The theory says that when the rich get bloated enough, they eventually unzip their trousers and let loose a golden stream to land on the heads of all the little people. It works well for the billionaires and let’s face it, poor old Muskrat needs all the money he can squeeze out of the little people if he’s going to leave the ranks of billionaires and become the world’s first trillionaire.
With Twit firmly in his grasp, Muskrat triumphantly flung open the doors of Twit and invited Ronald Rump back in, no doubt hoping the GHIT would once again flood the swamp with endless smells in his bid to reclaim the Whitey House in 2024. Alas, it appears that Muskrat did not know that the GHIT started his own media swamp. Yup, the GHIT decided he didn’t need Twit, and turned the offer down. EEEE-GADS! Forty-four billion dollars to buy Twit and the Rump doesn’t want to use it?????
Don’t despair, Muskrat! Send the invitation to Vlad (the Impaler) Pootine of Rooskie instead. I’m sure Vlad would be thrilled to use Twit to keep everyone informed about all his humanitarian initiatives in the U-Crane. In fact, send an invitation to all of Vlad’s merry computer hackers as well. Then they can once again help Rump fill the swamp with enough smells to win the next stolen presidential election.
In the meantime, the rest of us can sit back and listen to Muskrat and the Publicans all singing together in his swamp. Happy songs about better times – like the good old days when women knew their place and people got to dress up in white sheets and toast marshmallows on fire lit crosses.
Is there a line-up for those tickets to Mars?
TL:RD – Muskrat, Muskrat what makes your skin so thick? You’ve fired all the people you can find and the rest are set to quit… set to quit… set to quit. (Did the Everly Brothers see it coming?)