THE NEW RELIGION

In ‘Murica, the Publican Party has embraced a new religion and the rest of world is going to feel the wrath of the Almighty if they don’t shape up and sign on!  The new theology trumpets the REAL TRINITY: God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Smokes – Rump! 

HALLELUJAH!

In anticipation of the fulfilling all the prophecies, the Grand High Imperial Twitterbug (GHIT) and former Prez Ronald Rump, has already revised the TEN COMMANDMENTS and revealed them unto his true believers. 

SAY AMEN TO THAT! 

The first and greatest of these commandments is:

THOU SHALT LOVE THY RUMP WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND ALL YOUR SOUL – just leave your mind at the door of the temple.

AMEN BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

2) Thou shalt have no other Rumps before thee.

3) Thou shalt not allow thy tongue to utter any name but Rump.

4) Thou shalt not run for office as a Publican unless thou hast declared for Rump and been baptized in the waters of belief in the ‘stolen election’.

5) Remember to keep Election Day holy by counting only the votes for Rump.

6) Thou shalt not commit murder except when it comes to the truth.

7) Thou shalt not commit any adult thought processes, nor question the truth of anything revealed by your Rump.

8) Thou shalt not tax the filthy rich; let the poor pay for everything.

9) Thou shalt not bear false witness unless it is in aid of thy Rump.

10) Thou shalt not covet anything except the Ovaltine Office for thy Rump.

God sent his Holy Smokes – Rump to save the world but the minions of Satan stole the hallowed Ovaltine Office, leaving Rump despised, rejected – a man of sorrow; acquainted with the grief of a stolen election.  When he was thusly betrayed, the curtains of Capitol Hill were rent from top to bottom in a great storming that brewed immediately thereafter. 

With the anti-Rump now perched in the Ovaltine Office, the world sees the signs and wonders of the coming Apocalypse.  FIRE!  PESTILENCE!  WAR! FAMINE!  The Four Motorcyclists of the Apocalypse are COMING – as soon as they can find a station with gas at prices they can afford.  In the meantime ALL RUMP believers have begun gathering near polling booths – praying in unceasing chorus for the SECOND COMING of RUMP!  HALLELUJAH!

TL:DR – If the Rump loses again will there be a CIVIL WAR?  Last time it was over slavery and surely that’s not nearly as important as Rump’s resurrection.  Yes sir, if he doesn’t regain the Whitey House, it’ll be PRAISE THE RUMP and pass the ammunition.

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