Where Has All the News Gone?

The offerings on the left bank have been sadly lacking in news lately.  For a blog that prides itself as ‘Views on New from those that Snooze’, you might consider this a vexing oversight.  My only excuse is that what’s reported as news right now lacks much variety.  Prior to the emergence of the Confounded, Ornery, Vexatious, Insidious Disease (referred to as ‘COVID’ in most of the world and ‘THEGHITSGOTIT DISEASE’ in ‘Murica’), news items were reported with the expectation that the story would have a life span (sometimes referred to as ‘legs’) equal to the attention span of voters – that is to say, about sixty seconds.  This quite reasonable state of affairs has been completely disrupted by our pandemic.  When reporting on COVID first started back in the beginning, who would have known that there would be nothing but COVID on the news for years on end?  Here in Kanadoodle it took three months and a multiple mass murder spree in the Merrytimes to break through the COVID reporting monopoly. 

Just when ‘regular’ news was seeping back into the airwaves, along came a variant bug (the Delphi) and swept everything else out of the studio yet again.  Right now we’re deep into another variant call the OHMYGOD.  For sheer longevity, the COVID story’s got better legs than Baryshnikov and Nureyev combined.  The downside is that most of us are so bored with the issue that we fall asleep at the beginning of the newscast or stick our head out of the igloo for a cold brewski instead of watching.  Either way the ‘other’ news is often missed.  Therefore, as a public minded citizen, I felt it behooved me to prop the eyelids open through the entire news broadcast yesterday and report what else was going on in the world.

Vlad The Impaler Pootine from Rooski says he has no intention of invading his neighbor U-Crane.  He insists the pictures of a hundred thousand Rooski troops with thousands of tanks and other military vehicles massing on the border was just a case of mistaken identification by the west.  Vlad assures us that those hundred thousand weren’t troops – they were dancers lining up to audition for the Bolshoi Ballet.  The tanks and such like were really baby carriages that had been abandoned by a film crew after they finished a remake of ‘Babes in Toylandia’.  What a relief!

Queen Liz Two is about to celebrate the platinum anniversary of her reign.  It’s going to be celebrated with a contest to see how many ladies can join the ‘pudding club’ in this festive year.

In ‘Murica, the Super Preen Court, now a coven devoted to worshipping the former Grand High Imperial Twitterbug Ronald Rump, is all set to overturn Hipwader vs Salmoneggs – an old ruling that almost abolished the right of women to remain barefoot and pregnant.  ‘Publican supporters generally insist that abortion is wrong and work tirelessly to close all the family planning centers in ‘Murica so as to increase the numbers of unwanted babies.  It is believed that these extra babies will grow up and vote ‘Publican.  Control of the Super Preen Court and family non-planning initiatives are considered triumphs by the ‘Publican Party. 

You may recall it was the ‘Publican supporters who stood steadfast behind the GHIT when he threw that raucous lawn party on Capitol Hill. They are fierce defenders of ‘the right to bare arms’ which requires them to support arming the populace with assault rifles, grenades, bazookas, field artillery and nuclear missiles – as long as they end up in the right neighborhoods. 

Many ‘Publicans don’t believe in vaccines and love to keep their faces free of masks.  They view their ability to share COVID with family, friends and neighbors as a right.  The ‘Publicans are also currently promoting legislation in a number of states that will require ballots in every election to list only ‘Publican candidates.  If this fails, they may have to rely on a promise made by Vlad (the Impaler) Pootine – who has told high level ‘Publicans that, in the interests of international peace and co-operation, he’s only too willing to send a hundred thousand ballet dancers to ‘Murica to help stuff ballot boxes in the next election so it won’t be stolen again.  That’s just like Vlad – you just can’t find a nicer neighbor than that – eh?

That was pretty much all the ‘other’ news reported yesterday.  Of course there was LOTS about COVID and how fast the new OHMYGOD variant is making the rounds… just a minute while I stick my head out of the igloo and grab a brewski.

TL:DR – No gnus is not Good gnus – especially if you’re tired of panicked pandemic pronouncements.

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