Yes! Our glorious Prime Ribber, Dustbin Truthless, has dropped the writ and set the hot air election balloon flying over Kanadoodle. By the time the election is over, the average Kanadoodlian will have heard enough hot air to melt the polar icecap. Talk about global warming. As usual, anything promised during an election is about as reliable as the Taliban’s claim that they’ll uphold women’s rights and seek no retribution on their internal enemies.
In an effort to help the beleaguered voter understand the tsunami of lies, untruths, prevarications and other campaign promises rolling their way, richardsleftbank will focus on the election for the next few weeks. As with any election, it is important to start by looking at the parties and their leadership hopefuls through the lens of what’s most likely to get a party leader elected. In reality, this boils down to which party has chosen the most photogenic and sincere sounding leader. Nothing else really counts so don’t waste your time considering ridiculous campaign promises, lies and attack ads.
So let’s take a look at our selection:
The Libelous Party, the party that works on behalf of big business while pretending to look out for average folk, continues to embrace Dustbin Truthless, holding him tighter than a barnacle on the bottom of a Newfie fishing boat. Of course, he’s the current Prime Ribber and, despite complete adherence to the politician’s creed (never tell the truth when a lie will suffice), there’s nobody that sounds more sincere, no matter the size of the whopper that’s flowing from his lips. He’s also the most photogenic of the current candidates, especially since he shaved off the COVID beard that made him look older, even if a bit sinister. My prediction is that he’ll return, like Banquo’s ghost, for another round of Prime Ribbership.
The Consumptive Party, the party that works for big business, oil companies and has a slavish adherence to balanced budgets, especially if it’s accomplished at the expense of social programs for the average folk, is putting their faith in Erring O’Fool to lead them to the promised land. O’Fool sounds like an old fashioned ‘red Tory’ and has obviously been inspired by Truthless when it comes to having campaign promises depart from reality. O’Fool is marginally photogenic and he hasn’t quite got Truthless’s panache when it comes to sounding sincere as he sends his whoppers into the public. Consumptives always sell well to the folks who believe that a spell of political pain and suffering is good for the soul. There are usually enough of these folks voting to ensure that O’Fool remains a serious contender.
The Nearly Dead Party (NDP), the party that enjoys status as socially progressive and slightly socialist (except when elected), has pinned their hopes on… damn! I can never remember the name of that fellow or I get it mixed up with someone from the ‘Archie’ comic strip. Anyway he’s got the most photogenic beard of any leadership contender and, since he’ll never get elected, can afford to sound the sincerest of the lot.
The Blockhead Québécois, the party that espouses ‘Vive Le Québéc Libre!’ likely has the best party platform of all the parties but a leader with a low score on the photogenic scale. M. Blanket wraps his promises in flannel and sounds unusually sincere when it comes to Québéxit.
The Greenies, the party that hugs the planet, has chosen to rally behind inclusivity rather than a leader. Why else would they choose AnnamemePee, the first female, black, Jewish leader? Aside from being a shoo-in for three votes, she’s a walking photogenic disaster, but this may be due to the fact that she’s had to walk around with twelve knives stuck in her back since becoming party leader. So, does she sound sincere? It’s hard to say since none of the news stations carry more than three words from her at a time.
In my next blog, I’ll be looking at campaign promises, a task not unlike flying to Neverland on a cloud of fairy dust… and I needn’t remind anyone that we’re having an election because Truthless looked at the chicken entrails (the rooster that died of COVID) and decided that he might win a majority government if he sped to the polls before the pandemic was over. Of course a majority government is the worst form of government in a democracy. It’s a far, far better thing to do to make sure no party forms a majority – it keeps the politicians a little more tethered to providing services that people actually want and prevents any party from having a four year dictatorship.
The golden rule of good governance: minority governments work best.