Aside from reporting on the latest round of fresh disasters on the COVID front, our news outlets seem starved for anything other than Kanadoodle’s latest scandal involving the now retired top General. Did he or didn’t he? From a media perspective, first establishing guilt or innocence isn’t relevant. From a political perspective, everyone is already rushing around denying knowledge about anything and invoking all the usual facets of the Politicians’ Creed (Article three – ‘Cover they ass at the earliest opportunity). Politicians, it seems, also act as tho guilt or innocence is irrelevant – they bow to the power of the press.
The General denies everything: sexual harassment, impropriety, abuse of power, an allegation that he sired two illegitimate children, that he’s a delinquent dad and managed all this while leading the army in a process to cleanse the military of sexist attitudes and behavior. Sounds like another day in beautiful Kanadoodle. In this case, the main question could be answered quickly and easily and it’s hard to understand why we don’t have this information already.
DNA testing to establish paternity has improved significantly since blood type testing began in the 1920’s. Significant improvements on these kinds of tests were made every decade from the 1960’s to the 1990’s. The current reliability rate of DNA paternity testing is now over 99.99%. If I were in the position of denying a paternity claim, I’d be the first one clamoring for the latest test – assuming I wasn’t fibbing. Yet we’ve heard nothing of the kind from anyone, the General included. All’s quiet on the zipper front, as it were.
Isn’t paternity the critical piece of evidence that would establish credibility? If the General really has the two extra children he denies, then his credibility is shot. If the kids aren’t his, then the credibility of his accuser is rather questionable. So let’s do it and find out if we’re really dealing with General Snow White.
That’s not to downplay the entertainment value of the politicians running for cover over the issue of responsibility. Those of us stuck in our igloos awaiting the COVID thaw need a few laughs. Herd immunity – of course I’ve heard of immunity… No! No! Immunity herd – what do I care what an immunity heard. Bud and Lou, where are you when we need you?
But I digress – back at the ranch – the Prime Ribber says he never heard about it. Some of his senior staff say they heard about it. Did they carelessly forget to mention this salacious little tidbit to poor old Dustbin Truthless, Prime Ribber of Kanadoodle and Savior of the Libelous Party? Of course we have to measure Dustbin’s word in relation to his complete devotion to Article One of the Politician’s Creed (i.e. never tell the truth when a lie will suffice). Dustbin has carved out legendary status in the hallways of our Iglooarliment by adhering to Article One.
Generals, Governor Generals… Don’t our Prime Ribbers really know how to pick ‘em?
Then there’s the Minister of Defense, Hardhit Sandbag, who says he heard about it but felt duty bound to avoid political interference so he did nothing, like everybody else. After all, it’s a charge about THE General, and sexual harassment by HIM, and isn’t that what the military processes are for – you know, the ones that operate under a chain of command where the direction of how it goes and the final say are determined at the General’s office? Yes, Sandbag felt it was much better to tell an ombudsman to do something, especially when ombudsmen have no authority to do anything. This is what’s known in political circles as ‘the perfect solution’.
Now, if there’s one thing all the members of the Libelous Party agree on in reference to this situation, it’s that they all take things like sexual harassment veeeery seriously. They all nod their head vigorously and tell us that they’ll be doing everything they can to make sure the issue… well, just goes away on its own, so they don’t have to do anything sensible. Yes – shoo! Go away – as soon as possible, please.
All’s well if you throw it down the well.