As far as election excitement goes, you can’t beat the lead up to yesterday’s inauguration event. What other country has all those military personnel, fences, barbed-wire and bomb squads to protect their democracy from their own citizens? Now that the other guy – he who shall not be named by Publicans, is officially the new ‘PREZ, Ronald Rump, former Grand High Imperial Twitterbug (GHIT) is back to being a plain old TWIT. While he’s off whacking little white balls into small holes and awaiting his call from God to complain about the rigged election, it’s now possible to sit back and credit the real winner of the 2020 dust-up at the ‘Murican polls. I refer to none other than Vlad (the Impaler) Pootine, from the frozen land of Russkie.
It’s well known that Vlad is a great lover of democracy and ‘Murica’s in particular. He therefore spent millions of rubles on Ronald Rump’s candidacy in 2016, putting his government’s vast resources to work on the internet, spreading the word about what a great comedian Rump would be if elected. Even the GHIT’s slogan (Make ‘Murica Grate Again), had special resonance with Vlad, since Vlad is renowned for making Russkie grate on everybody.
And hasn’t that investment paid off! While he was GHIT, Rump did everything possible to foster loving relations between the most unlikely groups – there’s the Publican Party and biker gangs, arms manufacturers and arsonist, petroleum producers and climate deniers, COVID deniers and funeral directors – just about every group you can think of except a few disgruntled Demo-rugrats, Mexicans, blacks, Mexicans, scientists, Mexicans, minorities, Mexicans, environmentalists, native Spanish speakers, females and anyone who doesn’t support the GHIT… and the bad hombres from Mexico, of course.
The crowning achievement in the GHIT’s exit strategy was a comedy skit in which he invited all his supporters to sightsee at the Capitol. Well, the excitement got a little out of hand when some began playing dress-up and others attempted to throw a few Demo-rugrats and politicians on the old barbie. Thankfully the GHIT later clarified that his invitation didn’t include brunch. Imagine the Demo-rugrats misinterpreting this benevolent gesture. Of course other Publicans leaped to the GHIT’s defense. They say that criticizing the GHIT for his little comedy routine would be divisive – ruin all the good work that the GHITs been doing in fostering loving relationships.
Some people even try to make the case that the GHIT hasn’t succeeded in making ‘Murica grate. How silly can they get? Before 2016, your average Publican believed in pretty much the same things as the average Demo-rugrat. After the GHIT finished his term in office, each side is convinced the other is spawn of Satan and the divide between voters in ‘Murica is higher than the GHIT’s Mexican wall. I ask you, is it possible to grate on people better than that?
Elections results in ‘Murica are now so close that it only takes three people staying home to watch ‘The Young and the Restless’ instead of casting ballots in an election to swing the results from one side to the other. Before the GHIT, it didn’t really matter – whatever side got elected did pretty much the same things as their opponents. The GHIT has finally shown everyone that there’s a real difference between the Publicans and the Demo-rugrats – and hasn’t the result been great for ‘Murican democracy?
Now our southern neighbors just have to decide what to do with all the wonderful signs of a real democracy: animosity that’s running wild, the threats and civil unrest that are at an all time high, the legislators throughout the nation who are facing off for ten rounds of a bare-knuckle no rules punch up. All this democratic fun while the GHIT gets to continue his hilarious pranks. He’s been musing that he’ll begin his own party in time for the next election – the Pap-riotic Party. I’m thinking this will be a winner! I imagine a lot of his supporters wetting themselves at the prospect – and there seems to be a heck of a lot of voters that love a good PP with their politics.
I wouldn’t be much of a blogger if I didn’t have a few answers and of course you’re here because of my reputation for advising Solomon on tricky questions. So… on one hand it seems to me ‘Murica could clamp down nice and hard in the same way that good old Vlad does in Russkie – bring in the military, distribute the poisoned underwear and, after every election, count every ballot for Vlad as many times as necessary until he wins. Hmmm… sorry, that sounds too much like re-electing the GHIT. Luckily there’s an alternative to the Vlad option. It means lining up the country – separating the Publican states from the Demo-rugrat states, and then filing for divorce.
Two ‘Muricas! ‘Murica One, perhaps called ‘Rumplestateskin’, can crown Rump as permanent GHIT and bask in his glory forever and ever – AMEN. ‘Murica Two, perhaps called ‘Forneverland’ could continue with the cumbersome idea of electing new leaders every four years. The result? Happiness everywhere! There will be no end of people wondering why they didn’t think of this back in 1861.
Either way, Vlad can look at ‘Murica and feel a sense of accomplishment. Supporting the GHIT back in 2016 has given the world a new benchmark for comedy, an increased confidence in democracy and a way for the Russkies to get the last laugh on those responsible for tearing down Vlad’s favorite wall in Berlin! You’ve got to hand it to Vlad – he could tell a fellow wall builder when he saw one and banked his rubles that the GHIT could do for ‘Murica what Vlad’s done for Russkie. Well done, Vlad!