Is there anyone who really thinks the laugh fest is over just because the electorate clipped the wings of Ronald Rump, the Grand High Imperial Twitterbug – reclassifying him from GHIT to TWIT in just a few short weeks from now? It appears that he’s not just whacking tiny white balls into small holes and brooding in the Whitey House since his stunning defeat in the recent election. No indeed, his fertile brain has been concocting new and marvelous comedy routines to try out on the ‘Murican public.
The GHIT knows that he only lost the election because of the obnoxious practice of counting votes for the opposition (the Demo-rugrats). Let’s face it, any fair process would only count votes that were for him. He’s rallied his supporters to fight the election results, giving his lawyer the Confounded, Ornery, Vexatious, Insidious Disease (COVID) to help kick-start the legal part of the campaign. But that, it appears, is just one quiver in his arrow. One of his supporters destroyed an entire batch of vaccine in solidarity – who needs a vaccine when you’ve got the GHIT?
The GHIT has also considered the possibility of calling out the National Guard to impound all the voting machines to find out why they didn’t change opponents’ votes into votes for him like they were supposed to. When he heard rumors that dead people voted, he started calling Publican bigwigs in swing states where he lost, insisting they overturn the results. This has angered some of his supporters on the religious right who insist that anyone capable of resurrection should be able to vote. One state leader found the conversation so funny, he’s released the tape and expects it will soon become the number one hit comedy release of the year.
In the meantime the GHIT has been busy pardoning all the felons that ran afoul of the law while working for him. It gets me wondering if there’s a ‘presidential pardon’ he could give himself. You know, something that forgives him in advance of uncovering any wrongdoing. We know there are a few investigations into his doings in the Whitey House and I’m guessing that there may be a few secret comedy routines that might not be understood or appreciated by his detractors. We could think of it as a ‘pre-post-presidential pardon.’
Another hilarious routine was unveiled recently when he insisted that his Vice-PREZ had the right to declare the GHIT the winner of the election. And if that didn’t have you laughing until the tears were rolling down your cheeks, there’s his recent rally with supporters encouraging them to sightsee in the Capitol building. Now that raised a storm of laughs! In fact, this one is going to be hard to top, even for the GHIT. With supporters just dying to get into the CAPITOL the GHIT insists that as long as everyone agrees that he really won the election, he can send all his peaceful supporters back to the gun range to practice their target shooting.
The only puzzling aspect of the day was the stand-up comedy provided by Publican leaders. After supporting every part of the GHIT’s comedy routine up to now, for some reason they spoke against the GHIT’s ‘capitol’ joke – saying he had gone too far. It just don’t seem right to me. After all, the GHIT could never have pulled it off if it wasn’t for the constant support they’ve given all his jokes up to now. But that’s one of the wonderful things about politics, you never know where the next laugh might be coming from.
I can hardly wait for Wednesday, January 20th to arrive. The GHIT was disappointed to find out that his friends Vlad (the impaler) Pootine and Kill Ill Junk wouldn’t loan him a large bomb for the ceremonies. He’s attempted to make up for this deficit by secretly ordering thousands of ‘whoopy cushions’ for the seats of all the dignitaries at the inauguration. He also gave Jean Roberta, the Chief of the Super-Preen Court an electric hand zapper to use on you know who… and ordered God to whip up a tornado or at least heavy rain for the event. If this doesn’t wash, he is arranging for a rock band to set up just outside the security perimeter – he just hasn’t decided if he’ll sing a nostalgic rendering of ‘Love Me Tender’ with the band or get them to do an extra bitter version of ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart’.
Like most pundits I’m trying to imagine what the universe will look like when the GHIT is no longer PREZ. Will the Publican party seek a new candidate that continues the GHIT’s almost winning ways – someone able to speak Vulcan to the GHIT’s seventy million voting supporters? Will they take out an ad on the Official Conspiracy Theory Website:
WANTED BY PUBLICAN PARTY FOR POSSIBLE POSITION AS PREZ IN 2024:
The successful candidate must have:
– a pugnacious personality with belligerent charm
– the ability to lie constantly and convincingly
– a demonstrated dislike for minorities based on the belief that there is no racism in ‘Murica.
– the ability to mock science while being able to read a bible upside down.
– a belief in democratic processes – IF they produce the right results
– certainty that the world is flat and civilization ends at the ‘Murican borders
– a firm belief in very long, very high walls
– dedication to law and order for everyone (except party loyalists, friends and supporters)
In addition the following qualities are considered desirable:
– billions of dollars in personal assets
– proven ability in avoiding taxes
– knowledge and support of the theory of ‘Trickle Down Economics’ (giving everything to the filthy rich so they, at some point in the future, they can open their zippers and pour a golden yellow stream of blessings on the heads of the poor and working class).
– friendly relations with dictators from around the world
WARNING: Any sign of coherent thought is grounds for disqualifying a candidate.
– No previous experience required.
NOTE: If elected, the successful candidate will have the complete, unwavering support and blind loyalty from all Publicans, no matter what they do.
I guess we’ll have to wait to see how addicted Publicans are to great comedy from their leaders, but it sounds like a winner to me!