As predicted in a previous blog, Ronald Rump, the Grand High Imperial Twitterbug (GHIT) and current Prez of ‘Murica, has shaken off his bout of Confoundedly Ornery Vexatious Internal Disease (COVID) and is back on the campaign trail. The GHIT is particularly pleased to be able to tell ‘Muricans that they have nothing to fear from the pandemic now killing millions around the world and points to his experience as a perfect example of why. The GHIT managed to kick the disease in record time thanks to unlimited access to the full resources of the government, a short stay in hospital and treatment with the latest medical technology, experimental drug therapies and a team of eight doctors sharing the care twenty-four/seven. Thanks to the generous availability of government health care programs and the low cost of medical services in ‘Murica, this same cure is available to every billionaire in the land.
Yes sir-ree! The GHIT has looked COVID right in the eye and sent it packing. That would be accomplishment enough for most people, but not the GHIT, the most self sacrificing Prez in history. Moments after leaving hospital, the GHIT was again out sharing COVID with all of his followers, just like he had prior to going to hospital. Many of the ‘inner circle’ at the Whitey House have already received the benefit of the GHIT’s willingness to share COVID with them. No doubt they’re mighty thankful to the GHIT for allowing them the privilege of beating back COVID and showing the world that the Publican Party has cornered the market on pandemic self control.
Just a day after returning to the Whitey House, the GHIT invited all the members of the black community’s anti-Demo-rugrat Party to join him on the front lawn. Both of them came and breathed deeply from the GHIT’s font of wisdom, dispensed from a balcony with a ‘thumbs up’. Joeb Bidinghistime, leader of the Demo-rugrats and the GHIT’s arch-enemy, should eat his heart out. Let’s face it, with minorities now enjoying the benefits of knee to throat therapy, constant admiration for their vehicles from those in authority and fun filled evenings playing peek-a-boo in their apartments with SWAT teams, all promoted by their caring Prez, how could they support anybody else?
Despite all these selfless acts, the polls still show the GHIT behind in the upcoming election. Joeb Bidinghistime is racing around the country wearing a mask and warning his supporters to beware of COVID. I just don’t get it. What a wuss! ‘Murica’s got three hundred million people and only a few hundred thousand have died from the disease. Obviously the GHIT knows there’s still plenty of room for WAY more people to get sick and/or die before we should start worrying. Hey, he beat it – right?
The GHIT is now working overtime to reverse those pesky polls. I expect he’ll call in some favors from his great friends Vlad (the Impaler) Pootine from Russky and Ill Kill Jong from North Kreepy. Both could blanket ‘Murica’s internet with calls to ‘lock him up’, something that worked wonders in the last election against Hilroy what’s her name.
But there’s more at stake than just pulling off another ‘come-from-behind’ election victory. The GHIT has important business taking time from his busy electioneering schedule. Most important is getting the GHIT’s pick for a new member of the Super Preen Court confirmed. You may remember that the Prez gets to choose new members to the Super Preen Court and when confirmed, they linger for life. These guardians get to judge the standards for good grooming in ‘Murica and are chosen from amongst respected members of the fashion industry. The GHIT has selected Amble Corny Buffeted, an eleven year old that’s already on record as preferring orange skin tones, wispy coiffures combed forward and mouths that never shut. Nobody comes with higher qualifications than that. Even better, she’s already had seven new perms named after her.
‘Course there are nay-sayers in the Demo-rugrat Party outraged that the GHIT is pushing through Ms. Buffeted’s nomination so close to an election. They don’t seem to appreciate what a generous gesture this is for the GHIT. He could wait until he wins the election and then proceed with the nomination. Of course he’s going to win the election – how could ‘Murica manage without leadership from the Divine Ego? But look at the facts. Everybody in ‘Murica is keen on good grooming and no one less so than the GHIT. It just makes sense to rush Ms. Buffeted through her nomination before the election, otherwise ‘Muricans would miss out on a couple of months of Ms. Buffeted’s peerless advice on good grooming. She is, after all, someone who believes fervently in a literal interpretation of the ‘Murican Con-stew-tushie. Although the Con-stew-tushie was written over two hundred and fifty years ago, nothing in ‘Murica has changed since then, so it still forms the basis for all judgments on good grooming. Ms. Buffeted, given her tender age, will provide rulings that make everyone pause and remember the GHIT long after he’s gone to his reward. Can the GHIT do anything better for ‘Murica? Everybody should see that giving the country an extra few months of Ms. Buffeted is just another example of the GHIT’s selfless generosity to the ‘Murican people.
With just over two weeks left before the election everyone across the globe has been asking themselves if it’s possible the GHIT might lose. I see the heads shaking vigorously, as though the very thought seems like science fiction. After all, the GHIT has all his supporters on the look out for fake polling booths and placing fiery crosses on mailboxes that might be stuffed with fake ballots. It’s the little things like this that have such resonance with the average voter. I ask you, is it any wonder that so many ‘Muricans just can’t get enough of the GHIT?