First in ‘Murica –
Tuesday brought forth one of the essential rituals of an election in ‘Murica – the Silly Hollering Of Useless Threats or SHOUT. For those unaware of this curious historically based event, the SHOUT is when the two leading contenders for the position of Prez face off against one another for the entertainment of the voters. The time-honored rules of engagement require that the two contenders be locked on a stage with cameras rolling. When the moderator of the event shouts ‘GO!’ both candidates demonstrate their vocal prowess by attempting to shout louder than their opponent. Points are scored for the candidate who can interrupt the other the most times, shout out the most personal insults against their foe and yak the longest in a single breath without making any sense. Bonus points are awarded to any candidate that chalks up the greatest number of fabrications and outright lies. Penalty points are assessed against any candidate who didn’t shave properly or mentions something that is actually true.
In this instance the Grand High Imperial Twitterbug (GHIT), Ronald Rump – Publican Party candidate and current Prez, faced off against his Demo-rugrat opponent, Joeb Bidinghistime. The real issue in this election is whether the GHIT should continue to rule by Divine Ego or move the country away from its greatest comedian. Voters got a real sample of what lies ahead in this SHOUT.
At the outset the SHOUT looked heavily weighted in the GHIT’s favor. When it comes to shouting longer, louder and making less sense while on a verbal rampage, the GHIT is without peer. When it comes to interrupting, shaving and lying, the GHIT is in a league of his own. But Bidinghistime put up an unexpectedly strong defense. ‘Shut up, man’ became Bidinghistime’s rallying cry while the GHIT encouraged his supporters to burn ballots on flaming crosses as they worked at fake polling stations across the nation.
As is usual in SHOUTs, the GHIT’s admirers claimed a total victory at the end of the SHOUT, as did Bidinghistime’s. The only thing both sides agreed on was that this was absolutely the best SHOUT in ‘Murican political history.
Now into Blunder Country –
Vowing not to be outdone by the GHIT in ‘Murica, Blunder Country’s Premium, Jump Hoogendorn, threw down the writ and set the province on the path to its own election. Hoogendorn was clearly miffed that Blunder Country was taking second place to the GHIT in ‘Murica when it came to election excitement. Hoogendorn is counting on the high popularity he’s garnered with Blunder Country’s laudable efforts in fighting against Confounded Oily Fearsome Internal Disease (COFID) the deadly flu that’s been spreading sniffles throughout the world. Although Blunder Country’s success against COFID is actually more due to the measures of Ms. O’Henry Bar (the sweetest chief medical officer of them all), Hoogendorn is lusting after the greatest political prize, the majority government! He’s decided that he can trade on the COFID success to achieve that elusive goal.
All politicians seek a majority government because it allows them to do anything they want, especially if it was something they told voters they wouldn’t do. As noted here in the past, minority governments produce better results because it prevents any single party from doing just that. ‘Murica has only two parties so they never get to enjoy the benefits of good government because a country needs at least three parties to get a minority. Over the past three years, Blunder Country has been blessed with good government because Hoogendorn’s Nearly Dead Party (NDP) has had to share rule with the Greenies.
The Libelous Party, the NDP’s historic enemy, immediately announced they’d do away with the Provincial Stupid Tax (PST) if they get elected. Hoogendorn dismissed this promise as a typical Libelous ploy to help their rich friends save money. Of course the PST is a tax that applies to things that everybody buys, so the rich can afford to pay it and the poor have a more difficult time doing so. This means that doing away with the PST would actually help the poor more than the rich. However, being completely wrong is a trait much admired by politicians, especially if it makes your opponent look bad.
None of the party leaders managed to ask Libelous Party where they’d get the money for all the billions being pumped out to help fight COFID. Even Hoogendorn didn’t mention that killing the PST would make it even harder to pay for all those COFID support programs. It’s all part of the ‘politician’s creed’ – never tell the truth when you can lie.
Of course Hoogendorn is counting on voters not remembering that they’ve had good governance under his rule only because he’s had a minority government, which prevents any Premium from doing all the goofy things that happen when one party gets a majority and begins to rule by decree. One only has to look to the GHIT in ‘Murica for confirmation of this political truth.
But I am more excited by the prospect of watching Blunder Country’s SHOUT than I am about campaign promises. Not that it would have the same thrills that we’ve seen south of the Border – Hoogendorn can’t hold a candle to the GHIT when it comes to the antics that make for a great SHOUT, but it’s always great entertainment watching politicians sling shots at each other. After that we voters can sit in our igloos and contemplate whether we should risk biting winds, polar bears and ice storms to vote in person, or scratch our ‘X’ on an icicle and slide it down to the ballot box.
Two elections and double the fun!