Some in Kanadoodle have a keen interest in watching the politics in ‘Murica, but every so often cultural difference arise that leave us puzzled. The perplexities have multiplied since the ascension of the great GHIT (Grand High Imperial Twitterbug), Ronald Rump, to the throne of leadership in ‘Murica. Now you probably know from past blogs that I think the GHIT is the most remarkable politician in ‘Murican history. He began by winning the endorsement of the ‘Publican Party’, the group that derives its name from ownership of all the booze boutiques in the land. They also mastered the art of driving their enemies to drink.
Some wonder why the GHIT had such appeal to the ‘Publican party’, but it’s no secret to me. Unlike the dreaded Demo-rugrats, the Publican’s have always been known as the party in support of ‘traditional family values.’ Keeping a wife at home and pregnant is a real traditional value as it allows the man lots of time to indulge in extra-marital affairs, something for which the GHIT is noted. Traditional values would also have the men in charge because males automatically know more than females. When it comes to this value, the GHIT really excels. Not only is he male, but there’s nobody on this planet smarter than the GHIT, just ask him.
Traditional values would also indicate that the more money one has, the more worthy they are to enjoy the fruits of unrestrained capitalism. It is why the ‘Publican Party’ believes that the poor should pick the fruit and the rich should eat it. The GHIT, of course, is a real champion for fiscal policies that tax the poor to support the rich. It is the ‘Publican’ dream that their policies will foster the competition between billionaires necessary to produce the world’s first trillionaire, and it’d better be a ‘Murican! It’s no wonder the GHIT won over the hearts of fiscally minded Publicans.
Traditional values greatly favor those who believe racism and homophobia are myths propagated by colored people and gays who just don’t know their place. In these beliefs the GHIT is without peer. He believes it is a good thing to encourage race riots and bashing in order to justify greater spending on guns, jails and policing.
Politicians of all stripes are traditionally drawn to the ‘Politician’s Creed’: NEVER tell the truth, if elected ALWAYS do the opposite from any campaign promise and blame everyone else if something goes wrong. The ‘Publican Party’ quickly recognized the GHIT’s mastery of the creed and it warmed them all the more to his candidacy.
Perhaps the point of greatest support between the GHIT and the Publican is pro-life. The Publicans are all wild about the pro-life issue. They believe that every life is sacred – right up until they’re born, at which point the life turns into a ‘bad hombre’ that requires jail or capital punishment. Of course this makes pro-life and pro-choice one of the most divisive issues in ‘Murica. It’s also an issue that will only be settled about an hour after men start getting pregnant. Publicans laud the GHIT for his unswerving devotion to pro-life issues – even to the point of supporting someone accused of rape into the highest court in the land. Now that’s devotion to the cause!
It must be clear by now why Publicans and the GHIT are right for each other. Once the publicans bowed to his leadership it was a foregone conclusion he’d win the top spot in the Whitey House. The GHIT campaigned tirelessly with a slogan to make ‘Murica GRATE again and, by gosh, he surely has done that! Never has ‘Murica grated on the nerves of other countries like it does under the GHIT, with the possible exceptions of the Ruskin Republic (lead by Vlad ‘the Impaler’ Poutine) and North Creeka (the watery republic lead by Ill Kill Junk) – but who cares about them?
With all these triumphs on his side, why should there remain any nagging questions about his re-election? Those of us in Kanadoodle have tremendous difficulty in understanding the recent polls that show the GHIT against the ropes.
One recent poll indicated that more people think the GHIT’s opponent in the coming election, Job Bidinghistime, will win. The same poll also indicated that more people worry that Job is less ‘mentally fit’ for the position than the GHIT. Based on these polls I can’t figure out if ‘Muricans are drawn to mental incompetents for their leaders and, if so, how the GHIT could be doing so badly. Who else but the GHIT blames catastrophic fires on ‘poor forest management’, announces a cure COVID in the next the few weeks, imposes import duties on aluminum shoed grasshoppers and thinks that hurricanes are a blessing for those needing access to an outside shower? Can Joe Bidinghistime hold a candle to the GHIT on any of these accomplishments?
‘Course I’m sure that my friends in ‘Murica think that politics in Kanadoodle is every bit as puzzling, and they might be right, especially considering the exploits of our own Prime Ribber, Dustbin Truthless. Yes, maybe it’s best not to puzzle over politics or make odious comparisons between Kanadoodle and ‘Murica – it’s like the old saying: ‘people in glass igloos shouldn’t throw icicles’.