Platforms, Platitudes and Boos

It just seemed like a week of never ending excitement in Kanadoodle! First came Slander Shears, legendary for his ability to cut the fleece off voters, announcing his Consumptive Party’s election platform. His announcement came as quite a surprise to most of the citizens, mostly because the majority still haven’t given any thought to the election that is now only months away. His plan involves scrapping the carbon dioxide taxes promoted by Dustbin Truthless, Prime Ribber and leader of the Libellous Party. On the first day of unveiling his plan, Shears said that the whole notion of a carbon monoxide tax was nothing but a tax grab and nobody wants to pay it. He reassured voters that any ill effects in the atmosphere from these gases will be dealt with by new technologies supplied by space aliens at a time as yet unspecified. On the second day, Shears said that he planned to make up the money lost from cutting the generalized carbon monoxide tax by creating a special tax against the BIG polluters. Given the historically close relationship between the BIG corporations (who own the BIG polluting sites) and the Consumptive Party, if Shear actually wins the election, I’m putting my money on seeing the space aliens first.

This squabble highlights the usual difference between the main political parties in Kanadoodle politics. In the normal course, the Consumptive Party is fond of slashing taxes for the BIG corporations so that no services are supplied by government. In their version of paradise everybody, especially the LITTLE people, must pay for everything they use, and all the services are provided by the BIG corporations in an effort to raise more money for their poorly paid executives. This vision is consistent with the ‘trickle down’ economic theory whereby all public policies are aimed at fueling the race that will see which lucky billionaire become the world’s first trillionaire. When the race is finally won, the largess in spending by these mega-rich will produce a small yellow stream that trickles down on the heads of everybody else. The process used to transfer all services to the BIG corporations is called ‘privates-ties-zaption’. Strangely, whenever anyone asks for proof about the yellow trickle and demands of the Consumptive Party: “Show me your privates!”, Party officials blush and shy away from doing so.

The Libellous Party generally loves to tax EVERYBODY in order to raise heaping dollops of cash, which they promise will pay for the services desired by the LITTLE people. In their version of paradise the LITTLE people want their Prime Ribber to buy expensive toys, pipe dreams and give oodles of the cash back to the BIG corporations in the form of tax cretins (the stupider a BIG corporations acts, the bigger the amount of ‘cretin’ tax they can claim). In the end, all services would be paid for in ‘usurious fees’ – like the old saying: “them’s that use pays the fees”. This means that, in practice, everything would generally be paid for by the LITTLE people. This is one point where the Consumptive Party and Libellous Party are in complete agreement.

The Nearly Dead Party says they’ll tax the BIG corporations and supply services for the LITTLE people with the proceeds. Since they’ve never been elected and no one can remember the name of the their leader as we approach the election, the voters have never seen if their vision of paradise would even begin to work in practice. It certainly hasn’t when provincial NDPs have formed governments.

The Green Party says they’ll fix the everything with no help from pipe dreams. Like the Consumptive Party they have great faith in emerging technology which they plan to implement as soon as they get back from the verdant field where they’re keeping watch for the space aliens to land.

One might think that all this ‘election platform announcing’ would completely fill the excitement quota in Kanadoodle for a couple of years at least, especially considering that every party, when actually elected, only implements that part of their platform that is either stupid, regressive or completely unworkable. But this wasn’t just your average week!

There was also big news from the province of Onfairyoh. The Premium of Onfairyoh, Slug Forage, fired his two biggest Cabinet Misers. Slug, the brother of the late and lamented Robber Forage (a Mare of the great city of Tonto and famous throughout the world for his dancing videos before his untimely death), took umbrage with the fact that his Misers were not only doing what he demanded of them, but had the gall to tell the public it was good for them! EVERYBODY knows the golden rule in politics: never tell the truth when a good lie will suffice.

One remembers that Slug, a darling of the provincial Consumptive Party, ran on a platform of cutting back on government expenditures without making any cuts to services. This jolly joke was apparently believed by a whole crowd of Onfairyoh voters, who not only elected Slug, but seemed puzzled and surprised when Slug’s minions started throwing cripples out of their wheelchairs and raising the class sizes for minnows in their schools to several hundred thousand; all in an effort to reduce government expenditures as mandated in the Consumptive Guide to Politics.

“Large classes will make those minnows better swimmers in the big pond!” said the Miser of DeEducation; a sentiment actually shared by Slug – at least up to the point when he was booed by the crowd celebrating the Tonto Raptures victory in the Nutritional Breakfast Awards (NBA – see my blog called ‘Kanadoodle in Rapture’). There’s nothing like a good booing to get a politician swaying like a reed in gale force wind. Slug thinks firing his Misers will satisfy the crowds while he continues with his program of death to services by a million slashes. He’s still got a few years in his reign and the odds are good that he might be right.

So, after listening to the latest in federal election platforms and enjoying the spectacle provided by Onfairyoh, I’ve been thinking I may join the Greens out in the field, awaiting the arrival of the space aliens. Seems like the answer to everyone’s dream.

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