Kanadoodle in Raptures

In most respects the citizens of Blunder Country think the relevant parts of Kanadoodle lie between the Pacifying Ocean and the Rock Mountain Range. Those living next to the Sadlantic Ocean think there’s not much beyond the tides that lap at their shores. The citizens in the province of Onfairyoh know the world ends just beyond the borders of their capital city, Tonto. Those in Roberta are too busy spraying their hair oil on everyone to think at all. Saskabush, Manstubstoe and the territories named after Snow White only think about how cold the winter is and those in Keebek think…well the rest of Kanadoodle is never quite sure what they think.

But there is nothing that brings the whole of Kanadoodle into one big happy playpen than when one of Kanadoodle’s own sports teams wins a big one! Such a happy event occurred recently when the Tonto Raptures captured the Nutritional Breakfast Awards (NBA) title for best team in the world! I can’t imagine anyone in Kanadoodle at this point who is unfamiliar with the NBA game but, never being a big sporting fan myself, I don’t take such knowledge for granted.

The NBA matches are fought on a food court with slippery floors. There are baskets at both ends of the food court and each team scores points for how many dribbles they can make the other team spill as they race bowls of breakfast cereal, brimming with wholesome edible oil products (made in Roberta) from one end of the court to the other. The object is to gorge as much cereal as possible while on the run, racing towards the opposing team’s end in order to spew regurgitated cereal into their basket. Extra points are awarded if a player can accomplish this task from a distance using projectile vomiting. The first team to fill the opposing basket wins!

These days almost all of the NBA teams are in the big cities of ‘Murica with only a single team in all of Kanadoodle. It is amazing that the sport caught on so well in ‘Murica, especially since the game was originally conceived and created by a citizen of Kanadoodle! I personally suspect that it never caught on in Kanadoodle because of the lack of sticks. Sure, you can draw blood occasionally in the NBA by bouncing your cereal bowl off an opposing player’s head, but it’s nothing like the carnage that occurs in the good wholesome sports favored in Kanadoodle. Ice-hacking, for instance, is a game where players get issued long blocks of wood they can use with rapier precision. Now that’s more like it!

I should mention, of course, that once upon a time there was also a team in Vancooler. It folded many years ago when the only people in Blunder Country with enough money to sustain a losing team over several decades, the drug dealers and wealthy sharks from Hon-Konged, pulled the plug. To their lasting shame, they decided to spend their money on upscale real estate and luxury cars instead of supporting their NBA team. When mocked by this lapse of civic pride, these monied elitists pointed out that Vancooler still has an ice-hacking team, which has the thrill of playing in the ‘Rack of Lamb’ stadium – a feature built on top of the stadium meant to mimic a retracting roof mechanism. Of course this was a ridiculously bogus idea from the outset as there is so much rain in Vancooler during the ice-hacking season that no one would ever pull the roof back.

But let’s face it, there must some chagrin now that Tonto has captured the NBA title. There’s nothing like a big sporting event when, win or lose, there’s always plenty of opportunity for fanatic fans to run amok and start a riot.

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