Vancooler!

Vancooler, nestled into the three meters of space available between the Rock Mountains and the Pacifying Ocean, is Blunder Country’s largest city and one of Kanadoodle’s great ports. It features many natural wonders that not only attract visitors but keep people flocking to the city in search of a home…and searching…and searching. Chief among the wonders are the real estate prices, closely followed by the staggering amounts charged for rental accommodations. But there’s much more available in Vancooler than penury or finding out how comfortable the back seat of your car is for sleeping.

It’s a cosmopolitan city with large numbers of citizens whose ancestries are drawn from around the globe. There are thousands of ethnic restaurants dotted around Vancooler, bringing the best of the world’s cuisine to those that can afford the prices, and even those who can’t still get a splendid variety in their dumpster-diving. Vancooler’s many ethnic enclaves feature a dazzling array of quaint customs. Regular drive-by shootings are just part of the excitement, although it’s best watched in Slurrey, a suburb of Vancooler. Richmen, an enclave favored by those of Asian descent, has charms for every visitor, the best of which is the signage. It’s a place where signs written in English are restricted to small, rectangular plates that identify roads.

Driving around Vancooler has a thrill all its own. Twice every day a helicopter flies over Vancooler and broadcasts where the latest traffic accident or pile-up has occurred. This doesn’t help the drivers, of course, since they’re busy stuck in traffic jams for hours on end, but it provides endless amusement to those at home watching their televisions. These are likely the people that retired or jogged to work.

But let’s not forget that Vancooler has several routes where joggers, leaving from the same starting point, regularly arrive at their destinations before bus passengers. Light rapid transit usually means taking your bike, but this is an option best reserved for the young and plucky; those limber youths who enjoy the thrills of playing dodge-ball. Motorists in Vancooler have their own games, like ‘bump the bikes’, as they work ceaselessly to see if they race past a cyclists and make an immediate right turn to test the brakes on the bike. Some drivers, particularly those whose luxury windows, have many convenient blind spots to help in their sport, and put little icons on the side of their bumpers for each cyclist they have shot off the road, much like the practice of the fighter pilots from WWII. There are light rail transit options available and they’re all right, I suppose, but I’m eagerly awaiting the day when sumo wrestlers are hired to squish more passengers in the door at rush hours.

Vancooler! A wonderful place to visit and a comfortable place to live – if you’re a successful drug dealer or a capitalist shark that’s swum over from Hon-Konged.

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