The Big Onions

I was watching my television the other day and became quite annoyed when short bits of news kept interrupting the commercials. Despite these annoying distractions, I still managed to catch the latest effort by Blunder Country’s Treacherous Faction (BCTF). For those unfamiliar with the BCTF, it is a conglomerate of creatures who have undertaken the responsibility of teaching minnows to stay circling in their schools. You can always tell that contract negotiations between the BCTF and the government of Blunder Country are in the offing when the BCTF starts running advertisements on television. The ads picture warm and fuzzy creatures patiently working with their minnows as they circle endlessly for hours. The BCTF hopes that these ads will sway the voting public into supporting their side in the up-coming negotiations.

It’s a ridiculous idea, of course, and has failed in its purpose ever since the dawn of advertising. Just ask the average voter in Blunder Country and they will assure you that they already love their minnows’ creatures, except when it comes to paying them any more money. And on any given election day, the majority of voters will immediately rush out and consistently vote for political parties that bludgeon creatures every time a new contract is required. It appears that the only reason the BCTF continues with these type of ads is that they know it makes their member creatures feel good about themselves. Everybody knows it’s a harsh pond out there.

But never underestimate the fact that the BCTF is one of the dreaded Big Onions. Big Onions may not be familiar to many people in these halcyon days as Kanadoodle gets ever closer to utopia under Dustbin Truthless, our peerless Prime Ribber. Only those with memories of ancient days, when workers were poor and exploited really remember the Big Onions.

Back in those bad old days, workers only survived by joining together into bands called Onions. The Onions offered a bit of respite from the frying pans of work, especially after they discovered a weapon of mass distraction called the ‘spite’. The ‘spite’ was the chief tool the Onions used against the capitalist sharks. Going ‘On Spite’ meant the members of an Onion would surround the buildings owned by the sharks, brandishing their frying pans and peeling layers from themselves before threatening to leap back into the frypans. The sharks, tear stricken from being so close to peeling onions, would often be forced to make concessions to the workers.

After a few historic successes, the Onions realized that there was greater strength in banding together and did so, all across Blunder Country. This gave rise to the concept of ‘The Big Onions’, which used to mean a conglomerate of smaller Onions but now seems to mean any Onion at all. Here in Blunder Country our Big Onions are grouped together under the umbrella of the Blunder Country Fabrication of Lollipops (or BC Fab for short). It took a long time for the BCTF to join the BC Fab, but after they did, they became the biggest Onion of them all!

And like many other historical movements, the Big Onions have had an effect on the politics in every province across Kanadoodle. The national Consumptive Party, for instance, (now led by Slander Shears, whose ability to fleece voters is legendary) has always been closely aligned with the sharks. Like similar political parties in other countries (like our great neighbor to the South – the Unilateral Silly Alliances/USA) the Consumptive Party sponsors laws that will give some poor billionaire shark a good shot at becoming the world’s first trillionaire. According to Consumptive theorists, this is known as supporting the ‘trickle down’ economy, which states: ‘take from the poor and give to the filthy rich and a trickle of something yellow will drop back on the workers’.

The Big Onions have experienced some of this trickle and were not impressed. As a result they have historically sprinkled their flavors on the Nearly Dead Party (NDP) (currently led by that wonderful guy whose name no one can remember). For that reason the Consumptive Party and the Big Onions have always been bitter enemies. The Libellous Party, currently forming government under the Prime Ribbership of Dustbin Truthless, curries flavors from the Big Onions but swims with the sharks.

Here in Blunder Country the Consumptive Party masquerades as the Libellous Party while the provincial Consumptive Party was abandoned long ago by those anxious to keep the province away from the Nearly Deads and their Big Onions buddies. However, the Libellous Party suffered a stunning defeat in the last election when a color combination from the Nearly Dead Party with a few Ucky Greenies whitewashed the Libellous Group. Former BC PooBah, Twisty Shark (no prizes for guessing who she was aligned with…) was caught out of water and Hahn Jorgen, from the NDP, became the new PooBah. One might think this was a big victory for the Big Onions, but I’m skeptical.

In the first place, although they’re not completely gone, the Big Onions are but a shadow of their former selves these days. We also know the Big Onions aren’t needed now that Kanadoodle’s workers live in a paradise where wages keep everyone in plenty. The new BCTF contract, soon to be negotiated, will likely prove my point. My suspicion is that the NDP loves the creatures, except when it comes to giving them any more money.

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