The antics of politicians in any place provide endless fodder for the amusements of the populace. What are they there for, anyway? The province of Blunder Country in the northern country of Kanadoodle is no exception. Here in BC’s capital city of Wicktoria (named in honor of the fact it doesn’t hold a candle in size to BC’s biggest city, Vancooler), the city council passed a motion that would attempt to download the costs (mostly policing) of Kanadoodle Day and Remembrance Day celebrations onto the military. Those sponsoring the bill were quoted as saying, “If I want to party, somebody else should have to pay for it.” They passed this motion on the 75th anniversary of D-Day.
When the Wicktoria council member sponsoring this bill was asked to explain, he clarified himself by explaining that it was really the mighty cost overruns on the Kanadoodle Day celebration that were causing the budget difficulty. He thought he’d throw Remembrance Day celebrations into the bill just as a friendly dig at all those almost veterans lounging comfortably in their graveyards around the world. Way to go, Wicktoria City council! Perhaps we should rename our capital Wickedtoria for all those killer ideas that emanate from the politicians.
Now let’s remember that countries keep armies for one of two main reasons: they either want to conquer (i.e. steal from) other countries or they want to protect themselves from other countries stealing their stuff. Kanadoodle has a sorry history when it comes to conquering. Many are the long winter days when the citizens of Kanadoodle bemoan the fact that they never sent their army out to conquer some nice warm tropical island. Our neighbors to the south in The Unilateral Silly Alliances (USA) did plenty of conquering, with the result that their citizens can now bask in the sun anytime and still not leave their country.
Kanadoodle, on the other hand, maintains a small army that mostly seems to be involved with what’s called ‘Piece Keeping’, a novel concept that came into being as the world got better at destroying itself. ‘Piece Keeping’ means that some squabble has broken out that has come to the attention of that global group, the Union of Nitwits (or UN as it’s usually called). The UN then asks for volunteer countries to send ‘pieces’ of their armies to help in the squabble. The ‘Piece Keepers’ then sit on a ‘piece’ of some other country while the natives throw bombs, shells, bullets, grenades and frying pans at each other. The only thing separating the local belligerents is the small ‘piece’ of land held by the ‘Piece Keepers’. It’s a dangerous and thankless task. Generally the ‘Piece Keepers’ are forbidden to shoot back at any of the belligerents unless they have already been killed. For some reason Kanadoodle supplies many of these UN missions.
I’ve many times thought of asking Kanadoodle’s chief politician, the Prime Ribber, Dustbin Truthless if we couldn’t just once send our army out and conquer some tropical island. I’m sure that if we found the right island, the natives would welcome being conquered and shower our heroes with flowers, especially when they become citizens of Kanadoodle with access to free health care and long wait times. But I digress.