Buying a Pipe Dream

I often wonder if the folks south of Kanadoodle’s border get as much merriment out of our politics as we do from them. I suspect not, if only because they’re always too busy campaigning for their next election to take much note of anything else going on in the world. Down in the Unilateral Silliness Alliances (USA), electioneering for a new round begins exactly three seconds after the votes are counted in the last election. The three was chosen because of its sacred connotations of course – it’s one short of the number of viable parties to choose from in the USA.

Here in Kanadoodle, it has been years since the last election and the citizens are only just beginning to think about the next election, which is coming in a few months. Can the boy wonder, Dustbin Truthless, lead his Libelous Party to another victory at the polls? It’s not that he faces stiff competition. There’s Slander Shears, leading the Consumptive Party, who’s noted for his ability to fleece any number of votes from those who oppose the carbon monoxide poisoning taxes championed by Truthless. There’s the Nearly Dead Party (NDP) who have a splendid leader but nobody can pronounce or remember his name. They’re also hampered by their long association with the Big Onions (workers who band together and demand to be deep fried), a group that is despised by the Consumptive Party. There’s the Greenies, I guess, lead by Lizzie April, who keeps one ahead of everybody else. Of course the Greenies could easily be outnumbered in the next Iglooarliment by independent candidates like Slane Pillbox and Jolly Wilting Electrical Rayboltz.

Truthless has many great things going for him as we head into this election. There’s his dedication to women’s and naval admiral’s rights – at least up to the point where they don’t disagree with him or quibble over points of law when it comes to protecting arms dealers or backroom deals. Why he’s the first Prime Ribber to invite an equal number of women into the Kabinet (for those unfamiliar with politics in Kanadoodle – i.e. most of the world and 60% of Kanadoodle’s citizens) the Kabinet is where the ruler of the nation (called the Prime Ribber in Kanadoodle) asks a select group of his mates to join him in the closets of the Iglooarliment and sip fine German Reisling wine.

But that’s not the least of it! He’s been a mighty proponent of the Carbon-Monoxide Poisoning Tax, fighting goof and whales with the likes of Japing Kennels from the province of Roberta (right beside the province of Blunder Country for those fuzzy on Kanadoodle’s geography). Truthless knows that climate change is perhaps the greatest threat to our planet, and curbing emissions with more taxes is the ONLY way to fight back. Besides, if more tax doesn’t work, it still leaves more money for defending arms dealers.

There are those who remain skeptical about Truthless’s real commitment to climate improvement, pointing to his actions in purchasing a pipe dream that’s supposed to run from the Tar Pits of Roberta to the coast of Blunder Country. The pipe dream was originally owned by a company from the USA called Captain Morgan. But the Captain was not impressed with all the money they’d have to spend getting their pipe dream approved in Kanoodle. Truthless promised the Captain he’d use all the money from his carbon monoxide poisonous Tax to help pay for the pipe dream but the Captain, with a glint in his piratical eye, sold the entire pipe dream to Truthless instead. The Captain got more money than he ever would slogging oil.

Since then Truthless has been ruthless in pushing the pipe dream along. He managed to get approval from a pod of Killer whales off the coast of Blunder Country. They assured Truthless that they’d only swim north of oil spills. Truthless was so grateful to the pod, that he sponsored a bill to keep all the oil spills in places where only the citizens of Blunder Country would get coated with the stuff.

But I say ‘Oil Drops’ on these negative nellies! Truthless is the one that will help Kanadoodle forge forward into a slick future! If nothing else, uh, there’s his, uh, speaking style, uh, that, uh, has me, uh, convinced, uh, that there’s no better candidate, uh, for Prime Ribber, uh, than our own, uh, Dustbin Truthless! You, uh, heard it here, uh, first.

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